I'm probably not the first to say that going on a mission is not all smiles and good vibes. While I waited for my report date to come I have thought a lot about my experiences so far, the things I have learned, the people I have been blessed to meet, and how God has put it all together for my benefit and ultimate happiness. But I have also thought about the struggles I have been through and how I have dealt with them through the years, and I started getting nervous. As a missionary I am called by God to invite people to come to Christ and experience the gospel I have enjoyed and loved and grown through. I will have the opportunity to share my testimony of Christ and how much it means to me with others. Through doing something that has nothing to do with me, I will learn how to turn my life over to God and trust Him to make up for my weaknesses. At my farewell I talked a lot about how I have learned to trust in the power of the atonement, but the truth is that I feel more insecure about my ability to perform the Lord's work in my last week here than I have ever felt before. So I prayed about it. And no matter how many times I forget this, God answers prayers.
These past two days I have had so many reminders that God called me to do His work, that He trusts me and I need to trust Him, that I am not alone and never was, that I should not be harder on myself than God is on me (and I most often am), and that in knowing He loves me I already know enough to do this work. I'm grateful for His patience despite my returning doubts and insecurities. I am SO grateful for everyone who has been a part of my life and has built me up. I am so amazed at the amount of love the people around me have in their hearts. I know God puts people in our lives for a reason, and I hope that through me the people in Hokkaido can feel a fraction of the goodness and light of those I hold so dear to me. Am I still scared? Yup. Being a representative of Christ, though a tremendous honor, sounds pretty hefty, but I am learning to trust that God can work through me, flaws and all, if I try my best.
"God does not begin by asking us about our ability, but only about our availability, and if we then prove our dependability, he will increase our capability." - Neal A. Maxwell
"Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5:36